I've been having a pretty homely time lately!!
Usually I like, you know, putting clothes on and doing my face and all that, but I've had my hands full with some very dirty projects, and I just can't bring myself to get my clothing filthy and put makeup on and immediately smearing it off when I get shit on my face. Honestly, though, I think it would be dumb to try to look fly while taking dust baths in filth. I like looking nice, but I really don't think I am fooling everybody when I put makeup on, and I don't really care much if people see my regular human face. I get pink and I got some red spots from old zits. Oh, well!
Today, though, I thought I would wipe the grease from my face and hastily slap a little on, so you can see my new mascara.
I'm of a mind that there are two kinds of mascara: regular mascara and bad mascara. I just don't think it's ever amazing, but sometimes it's really terrible and smears or flakes or melts or makes your lashes look all shitty-n-clumpy. Waterproof stuff is good in theory, but it is always clumpier, and the formula is always worse than the not-waterproof kind.
I also have feelings about mascara because it is the only cosmetic that they recommend you chuck, like, 45 minutes after you take it out of the packaging. I understand that people don't want eye infections or whatever, but shit. I refuse to throw away a $20 tube of mascara 3 months after I bought it, especially considering that I will go through no-makeup kicks where I might only do my face a couple times a week. AAAAANNNNNDDDDDD am I the only one who thinks that some mascara is better after you leave it hanging around for awhile? Actually, I know I'm not the only one, cause I asked my pal Joanna, and she agreed with me. Benefit BadGal mascara is especially improved by letting it ripen for a minute. It's like it's too wet or something, but once you've had it for a while and it's not as wet, it's nearly perfect. I just accept my dangerous, living-on-the-edge way of keeping mascara until I personally feel I am done with it and ready to chuck it. If I get an eye infection, it's my fault. I'm okay with it. I will say, I've only ever had one eye infection in my life, and it flared up immediately after I used a neti pot when I had a sinus infection. I was definitely not wearing makeup at any time that whole week. I think the neti pot just shoved infection bacteria into my eye area, and I am obviously, totally a medical doctor and know 100% about all that stuff. But I digress!!
Previously, my favorite mascara was that Imju Fiberwig. They changed the name at some point, though, and in between names it was hard to find, and then I had some irrational, residual hurt feelings about the name change and just didn't buy it again. It's called D.J.V Beautenizer now (why the hell is that so expensive?) That name just sounds moronic. It can't still be good, because no reason at all!
After that, I flipped back and forth between BadGal and Diorshow (which is also inexplicably super expensive now?) I also used Lash Stiletto, and the L'Oreal Telescopic Explosion (man, that name sounds dumb, too) Waterproof mascara for my lower eyelashes. Those are all fine, but they aren't going to eat you out or anything.
Lately, though, I have been hearing a lot of people talking about Cover Girl Clump Crusher like it actually WOULD eat you out. It seemed like the consensus was that it was the dog's balls, and made everyone's lives complete. I was skeptical. Then again, I am always skeptical. Maybe my life would be happier if I just let myself be awed and amazed, I don't really know what kind of magic awaits those who choose the path of the rube. It might be really great.
So, I thought I would try it out for y'all... and you know what? It was pretty good. I've been wearing it for a few weeks, and it's alright. It doesn't flake or smear as much as other not-waterproof mascaras, it's effective without looking like Tammy Faye, the brush is pretty good, etc etc. I actually don't have any complaints about it. It doesn't make me look like I have creepy Kim Kardashian eyelash extensions, but it's effective and cheap and you can't really beat that.
HERE ARE PICS!! I thought I would be able to showcase it best all by itself, so I don't have any makeup on at all, or eyeshadow base or anything. I just washed my face and put on the Clump Crusher. Lookit:
Not too bad, right? Looks like mascara. goes right on your eyeball hairs like it's supposed to. It says "Very Black" on the tube, and it comes out of the tube pretty black. When I wash my face at night, it still looks alright. You won't win any beautiful-with-no-makeup awards with it or anything, but it is definitely OK!!
If your tube of mascara is getting shitty, and you are gonna buy a new one soon, I would say to go ahead and get this, because it probably wouldn't ruin your day. I need to get a little stampy-logo thing like that Allure Best-Of guy, that says IT'LL DO! Natalie's 2013 It'll Do Awards... Clump Crusher would definitely get that stamp.
I thought that, since I have a pic of my eyeball on this post, it would be a good time to mention my Photoshop** policy. It is not news that people use Photoshop, and it is not news that some people will use it to make themselves look like wax-faced, uncanny valley hell dolls to avoid having people think they look like a person.
SIPOM PHOTOSHOP POLICY: I use Photoshop to adjust the curves and color balance of pics, crop them to the size I want, make collages, etc. I do not remove things from my face that are permanent features of my face (ie lines, beautymarks, double chin) or change the topography (ie fucking with messed up teeth or a crooked lips or one eye that is bigger than the other.) Any retouching I do is minimal... I want you to be able to see what my skin looks like, because otherwise I am presenting a product to you in a way that would create unrealistic expectations. If my skin looks fucked after putting foundation on, I will leave the fucked up spots so you can see that whatever-brand foundation is useless. I'm not going to buff all the texture out of my face, so other people who read this and are my age don't get anxious about how I appear to be Dorien Gray. My mug is my mug, and I don't fuck with my mug in Photoshop.
That said, I will retouch some stuff. I have a 22 megapixel camera, and those guys will take pictures of every single tiny thing on your face. Like, if I dry my face off with a towel before taking pics, you will see lime green lint balls on my face. I'll retouch those. If I have a fleck of sleep under my eye, I will retouch that. If I am doing a polish post, I will touch up the dry skin on my fingers... I used to not do this, but with my new camera it looks grody, even if my hands look fine to the naked eye. You know what I am saying? Minute shit that will make me look like Pigpen gets retouched. Regular face stuff and imperfections and things like that stay. That's it. The Photoshop policy on the Super Black site is the same... I don't change things so they appear to be something they are not. I tweak the color balance so the polishes look exactly like they do in the bottle that is on the desk in front of me, THE END.
Just wanted to be upfront with y'all!
**LOL at getting on Amazon and buying up some $700 copy of Photoshop. Y'ALL REALLY NEED TO GO PLUNK DOWN FOR THAT!!