I know I haven't been around here for a little while. I'm not gonna apologize about it or craft some kind of drama to excuse it. I've just been swamped with work and my childcare poofed into the atmosphere and this is my hobby that I make a hot $30 a month off, so it got pushed to the bottom of my priority list.
So, let's get back to talking about this makeup shit....
I know I've mentioned before my feelings on makeup gurus on YouTube or makeup blogs or whatever. I've had more run ins with them lately since starting my polish business, since a lot of them will write to me and introduce themselves as gurus when they ask for review samples. I'm always like OH, A GURU?!? MMMM-HMMMM, TELL ME MORE. I can write about cars, but it doesn't make me a master auto mechanic. If you're in your 20s and you have a blog, you're not a guru. You're a 20-something with disposable income and enough fingers to type up an opinion or hit the record button on your webcam.
I'm not a guru of fuck-all. I'm not afraid to admit it. I think makeup is fun, the same way I think organizing my refrigerator magnets or picking out clothes for my kid is fun. It's not important, and it's not something anyone needs to endlessly seek knowledge about. I write about it because I think it's fun, and there are a lot of missteps that are funny. I'm not all like I AM THE GREAT AND ALL KNOWING GURU OF SLAP!! I AM PERFECTION AND YOU ARE CURSED TO A LIFE OF HOMELY-NESS UNLESS YOU FOLLOW MY 873 RULES OF BEING PERFECT AND BEAUTIFUL!! A lot of times, I look like shit! I'm wearing yoga pants and a J Mascis shirt right now, and my shirt might even be dirty since it was sitting next to the duplicate one I have, and I couldn't tell which one I had worn. I haven't even washed my face yet.
My point I'm getting at is that I'm a stupid asshole. Basically everyone is a stupid asshole, though, so I think my stupid asshole-ness is a common trait we can all bond over.
One thing I am major league stupid for is lip stuff. Not lipstick, not stains or whatever. Bog standard lip stuff that you put on because your lips look dry. I am an idiot for it. I buy the nice shit.
I have a spending philosophy, and it's that I won't pay money for stuff that is just a special one-off thing or special occasion or something weird that I might not like. The stuff I will slam down for is the stuff that I use every single day. It doesn't make sense to me to pay a lot for something if I am not going to use it everyday. My little clutches and fancy dress up purses are the cheapest shit I can find, but my daily purse is a miraculous vision, because I have to carry it at all times and I get in and out of it 50 million times and it needs to stay looking good even if it clocks major use. My kid dresses in all clearance rack clothes, but I always just get her a couple pairs of nice shoes so they hold up, since she isn't going to stain em up like her shirts and dresses, which have to be cheap enough that they are essentially disposable with the crap she gets all over herself and the speed at which her pants become highwaters and her skirts become weird flouncy belts.
So! Lip crap! I am a total moron about it! I won't spend much on colorful lipstick, since I don't wear crazy colors everyday. I will, however, get totally gouged on a tube of Fresh Sugar Rosé lip stuff. It's completely functional as a chapstick and doesn't make my lips get that weird dryness that some lip stuff will give me, and it smells like lemons, and it has a little bit of tint so I look a little healthier. The best part is that it's $22 or something, so I get all kinds of self loathing when I lose a tube. The crank-up mechanism on it is more like a lipstick than a tube of chapstick, though, so when I use it constantly, it starts going a little Leaning Tower of Pisa on me, which is really a great feature for a $22 chapstick. I love it.
My other completely ludicrous jam is the Dior Crème de Rose lip balm. Who do I think I am? Who knows. This stuff is actually super rad if your lips are all dried out. I keep it on my bedside table and put it on before bed, because I would rage the hell out if I kept it in my purse and lost it. It smells totally awesome, and the container makes you feel like the fanciest lady ever... it's some kind of heavy duty plastic that reminds me of ivory or something, and there isn't really much label to speak of, except for the sticker on the bottom. It makes you feel like some fancy lady from the 40s with a lipstick in a gold tube instead of a clear plastic thing with some kind of loud logo on it. My old man was saying his lips were all dried out and I tried to make him try it, but he refused, probably because rose scented glamor chapstick is emasculating, but he really should have. ENJOY THOSE DRY LIPS, HOSS!
The jewel in my dumbass crown, however, is my Chanel Lèvres Scintillantes Glossimer in Eden. I'd only ever bought Chanel nail polish in the past, and only a couple times at that since I don't particularly care for their nail polish. I bought this lip stuff for myself for Mothers Day, though, BECAUSE I AM SPECIAL, OKAY????? This stuff is basically imaginary.
It starts out okay. Like, it's pink lipgloss, right?
Then you open it, and it's all "Oh, I'm just slime in a tube."
Then you apply it and the color looks like this. It really is
slime in a tube.
See? I'm a total gullible dumbass for bougie chapstick. The thing is, I am FINE with it not looking like anything, because now I can wear it every single day and not feel as bad about how much it costs. Another thing to mark down in the PRO column is that it is so unimpressive and uncolored that I can put it on my daughter when her lips are dry, and putting Chanel lipgloss on a 4 year old makes you feel like Marie Antoinette. Also, I will say, when I wiped it off my hand after taking that pic, that patch on my hand felt like a dream. The CON column contains two items: I AM TOTALLY STUPID and I SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF MYSELF.
Am I the only person who has completely dropped out of real life society in order to devote my entire existence to Animal Crossing? I don't play video games. The last time I played a video game on a fairly regular basis was the last time Animal Crossing came out on the old DS. I just buy consoles to play Animal Crossing every few years, then don't play anything in between.
Do y'all play Animal Crossing? Let's trade friend codes!! I got all the fruits and a bunch of sleek series and regal series furniture, and about a trillion play coins I can use to set people up with fortune cookies, since I have no use for the Nintendo knicknacks that come from those. Basically, I just want new Animal Crossing pals so I can stop cycling the same fucking furniture around through my animals and the 2 or 3 people I usually play with. I am gonna kill someone if I get a tea tansu or a kiddie wall again. If you're in the wish-granting mood, though, I want Gracie Grace clothes and Gracie furniture... especially the furniture, since it won't be in the Emporium anymore by time I get the upgrade in my town. My code is 0361-6940-8681!! Gimme your codes in the comments or email me at email@example.com...
Maybe we can all add each other and not have to worry about people running around wrecking our grass and picking our flowers and cutting our trees down, since we are all cool and mellow and aren't trying to be motherfuckers about stuff as important as Animal Crossing.