Have you ever been walking down the stairs, and you slip and fall down a couple steps on your ass? Then you whack your tailbone in just the right way that you knock the wind out of yourself and you can't breathe? That's how I feel when I go shopping during the holiday season. All the people all over the place, ugh. I can't handle it. It is doubly distressing because I enjoy going to the mall quite a bit, in an 80s mallrat kind of way. I like going and chilling out and watching people, it's soothing. Also, you can take a long walk in the AC. Anyway, I just don't go to the mall during the holiday shopping season. I just do all my shopping online, and even put some milage on my soap.com account so I don't even have to fuck around with people to get toilet paper.
I basically do 100% of my Christmas shopping online every year, and usually just do it in one fell swoop. I don't fuck around. I thought I would share some gift ideas with y'all, then if you have any compelling gift ideas, you can post them in the comments, yah?
Basically, my gifting philosophy is this-- don't really ask what people want, and just get them something they'd never buy themselves and that they probably didn't know they wanted in the first place. I don't play that WELL, I HEARD WHAT'S-HIS-FACE NEEDS UNDERWEAR, I'LL JUST GET HIM UNDERWEAR. Even if you need underwear, you don't want underwear for Christmas.
Let's do this!
DUDE GIFTS: Maybe you have dudes on your list, like dads or boyfriends or something. Buy them stuff they'd like. When it comes to boyfriends and husbands, don't buy them clothes that you like and you'd like them to wear, they hate that. You decided to hook up with some dude with no style, leave him alone. You don't buy a station wagon and then spend all your time turning it into a sedan. It's not gonna happen. Put some shit in the wayback and just live with your choice, dig? Anyway, here are my go-to ideas...
LIQUOR: Guys like getting nice booze. If you have a lot of money to spend, get him some Balvenie 21 or something. If you don't have as much to spend, get him some Blanton's or Bulleit . The Blanton's has a little horse on the stopper!! Yeah! Guys like manly booze, so they probably don't want Goose or whatever. They like whiskey. If you get him some Balvenie, and include a card that says you shaved off all your pubic hair, he will think it's the best Christmas ever.
HOODIES: Every dude wears hoodies, and Christmas is in the winter, so they're cold. The key to a Christmas hoodie is to get them a nice brand, so the hoodie is special. Get him a North Face one, or a Penguin one, because they're warm and they are cut a little nicer, so they look good and stay decent forever. Cheap hoodies always look cheap.
VIDEO GAMES: Don't lie to yourself. He wants video games.
NOTE ON DAD GIFTS: They never want anything. Just get him a giftcard he can use to buy screwdrivers or whatever. It is a good compromise between you wanting to get him a gift, and him not wanting anything. Giftcards are like not giving anything, but nicer.
LADY GIFTS: Some gift guides split gifts into girlfriend/mom/sister or whatever. Basically, you just need to get her something nice. Moms don't want gifts that make it seem like they are just moms, like appliances or household organizers or flannel nightgowns. The only difference between a standard lady and a mom is that a mom has to deal with a whole lot more bullshit. Just get her something nice, don't remind her that she is going to have to do all the dishes and vacuum after you leave. Teenaged ladies like the same kind of nice stuff you'd get an adult lady, they even like that stuff more because it makes them feel sophisticated. I usually don't buy clothes for ladies, because it is depressing to get clothes as a gift and they don't fit.
PERFUME: Don't pretend you know what kind to get. Sephora has these gift box things with a bunch of samples to sniff, and includes a certificate so they can go to Sephora and get whatever they want. They get to like opening the present, then they can play around with samples, then they get to go to Sephora and get what they like. It's a pretty decent deal, and they have different sample sets to pick from. Nothing is worse than getting a fancy perfume as a gift and hating it, this is sucky perfume insurance.
A BAG: You know what rules? A cool bag that isn't too fancy to use all the time, and big enough to carry all your stuff and have room to put more stuff in, like if you're shopping or something. The Marc by Marc Jacobs Slingy is one of my favorites... it is huge and the strap is nice and long so you can wear it crossbody-style, and it's nylon so you can clean it pretty easily if it gets dirty. I can fit my phone and my iPad and my wallet and a makeup pouch, and still have room to throw more stuff in there, and even put an extra set of clothes for my kid in case she feels like peeing all over everything. The Tate bags are nice in the same way, huge and low-maintenance. You can poke around and find a million different colors and find ones from a season or two ago that are on clearance. Check Zappos, too, they sometimes have nice diffusion-line bags on sale for pretty good prices. The person getting the gift isn't gonna know it was on sale, and they're not gonna try to return the gift if you got them a Marc Jacobs bag.
NAKED PALETTE: These are super nice, but too pricy to just buy on a whim, so they are good for gifts. Pretty much universally flattering, too. If you're buying for someone with a darker complexion, get the Naked one. If you're buying for someone who is lighter-complected, get the Naked2 palette. It doesn't even really matter, though. I wear both, and I know ladies with medium/darker complexions who wear #2. If you're buying for someone who is younger, or a little more risque in their makeup, and you're pretty confident that they'd like it, you can get one of the other Urban Decay palettes that have a ton of colors. UD palettes are pretty awesome deals. Their shadows are really nice to use, the palettes have 10+ colors, and the individual shadows are $18 on their own, so it is a rad deal. The Smoked Palette is $49, and just the eyeliner in it is usually $19 by itself.
KID GIFTS: Don't get anything that has batteries. You'll either forget to give batteries and the kid will have to wait until their folks go to the store to get batteries, or they'll like it and burn through batteries constantly, or you'll drive the parents nuts with battery toy noise.
EYECLOPS BIONIC EYE: This thing is my favorite thing ever. You just plug it into the TV and point it at shit, and it's a 200x microscope that displays on the TV. It's pretty compelling, super easy to set up, and it's real futuristic that they have stuff like this for kids now. It says ages 8-15, but there aren't really any small pieces to speak of, and I could see younger kids liking it, as long as you keep an eye on them so they don't pull the TV down on their stupid heads.
LEGOS: Easy. There is a Lego set for whatever budget you're working with, and kids like 'em. Even if the kid already has Legos, more Legos just makes them better. I know they have those girl Legos now, and I personally find them insulting, but girls like that bullshit. If you're buying for your girlkid, stock her up on the regular Legos, and get a tiny bit of the bullshit girl Legos to placate her and use as flair on regular Lego buildings. Compromise.
ART STUFF: It won't kill a kid to do something that isn't video games or computer stuff or watching TV. Get them a ton of paper and some crayons or washable markers. Go crazy and give them some tape and glue and safety scissors and baggies of bullshit like feathers and google eyes. I got Nona some of this Crayola metallic paper a while ago when the weather was crappy and she was all cooped up. It was pretty rad, and she thought it was the cat's ass.
CHEAP STUFF: Sometimes you're broke, or you are getting gifts for people who are more casual acquaintances.
SITTING: If you have friends or relatives with kids, and you're not a pedophile who smokes angel dust, give them a voucher or two for free babysitting so they can go out for a change. It's not really much skin off your ass, and a sitter for a night out can run them up to $50. Give them two vouchers and you'll be the best ever.
SNACKS: Maybe you're the shit at baking like I am (cough cough I rule cough cough.) Make 3 or 4 different cookies and/or candy and make plates of a little bit of each. This is good to give neighbors and stuff. If you want to elevate the gift, give it along with a coffee mug, or put it on a nice plate and let them keep it. Done and done.
CRAFTY STUFF: Maybe you're crafty. I don't know what crafts you do, do whatever you're best at. I wouldn't recommend knitting or crochet gifts, they take waaaaaay too long, and then the recipient might not like it and it is a massive waste of time. Look at it this way, if you typically make $10 an hour at work, your time is worth roughly $10 an hour. If you spend $40 on yarn, and 10 hours knitting something, suddenly it's a $140 scarf and they hate it. Keep the crafts simple or you'll get your feelings hurt.
YEAH! What are y'all buying everyone?