Sorry, misspelling "Santa" as "Satan" just tickles me.
Last week we talked about what to get for other people, and this week I am gonna talk about what I want, and y'all can talk about what you want. I get fatigued during the holiday season, shopping for everyone, then I get to the point where I just want to buy stuff for myself and say fuck everybody. I don't actually do that, though, I just fantasize about it. Actually, not only do I not buy myself stuff, I don't even really get presents from the people who live in my house. Everybody's birthday is in October, and mine is at the very end of October, so we usually just get Nona presents so her childhood isn't destroyed, and buy something for the house instead of Drew and me getting something in particular, since we all just got presents a month ago. Not very fun. Last year we got a chest freezer. This year I think we are replacing our chipped up dishes. Whoop-dee-dooooo!
So, this is my fantasy Christmas list, if I actually got Christmas presents and also was rich haha.
DEAR SATAN, I WOULD LIKE:
Bon Bonnie Hoodie: This is my favorite thing, probably, next to my Sloops that I told you about before. You get all the cozy, depression-casual feel of a hoodie, only it is cut more like a biker jacket, and you can pop the collar so it looks more like a funnel neck, which is pretty sweet and more fashionable than an American Apparel hoodie. Also, the asymmetrical zipper/biker jacket thing gives you an extra layer of warmth in the triangle area where it overlaps to zip, so it is good if you are constantly freezing like I am. I got a grey one last year, and a black one for my birthday this year, but I think they have burgundy, too, so I'd like one of those, please, so I can mix it up and also wash my other ones once in awhile.
Angel skin cream: I like wearing this perfume in the winter, and I always want to get the skin cream so I can layer and smell fancier, but then when I go to look for it, I see it is $80 and decide it is probably a better idea to just use cocoa butter like always.
Marc Jacobs Stam bag: This thing is fucking beautiful. That color. The kiss lock. The chain. Ugh. I wasn't really feeling this bag much when it first came out, but then this one showed up with silver hardware and that color and I changed my mind 100%. I thought I would save my points on my Amex card to buy one, but I did the math and realized that I would need 198,000 points to buy it, which means I would have to spend $198,000 to get it for free, so it wouldn't really be free seeing as my family would lose our house and probably starve from me trying to spend that much. OH WELL. Who better to ask for a $1400 purse than Satan, right? Feel free to pass the hat around, guys, if you are in the mood to get a present for your humble narrator.
2013 BMW M5: Murder it out, please... I want it flat black with black interior and black rims and tinted windows. Also some subs in the trunk. It is ok that it doesn't get shit for gas mileage, I got my current car in 2005 and I don't think it has 70K on it yet, and I bought it used. I don't clock a lot of miles. I could get one of these cars, totally tricked out, brand new, and charge it on my Amex and still not have enough points to get a free Stam bag, by the way. Damn. All them horses!
iPad case: I am pretty much gullible for iPad cases/computer cases. I get one and then I spend the rest of the time I have whatever piece of technology wishing I had bought a different case. To my credit, I refuse to buy a thing if I already have another thing that serves the purpose, so I just have angst instead of a ton of iPad cases. BUT, IF IT WAS A GIFT, IT WOULD BE FINE!! Basically, the more frivolous the better, anything to make it clear that I am doing absolutely nothing constructive with my computer shit, aside from playing Bejeweled, browsing Nordstrom, and writing blogs where I list all the stuff I want. I'm essentially a moron.
Illamasqua nail polish: I basically want all of them. Their colors are pretty rad, and I dig the ones they have that are rubbery-looking. I am also gullible for nail polish.
Extra Dark Splits: They're pretzels! And they're burnt! I love burnt stuff. They are so burnt, in fact, that they leave carbon marks on the paper towel you're eating them off. If I got a case of these for Christmas, I would HAVE to eat nothing but pretzels, or else I would be ungrateful. I remember the first time I saw these at Fresh Market, it was like my whole life was worth something.
OKAY!! So, that made me feel shallow and simple-minded, but I guess it's not really a good present unless it is something you wouldn't buy for yourself. I wouldn't buy any of this, except the hoodie and the nail polish, so that makes up for how vapid I am, I guess. What do y'all want for (insert your holiday here)?