STUFF TO PUT IN YOURSELF, brought to you by Stuff I Put On Myself
It is getting warm, people, and you know what that means.... your hot coffee is gonna make you want to die.
I am not much of a coffee person. I don't trip out if I can't have it every day. Cold brewed coffee, though... cold brewed coffee is the dog's balls.
I am not talking about hot coffee that you pour over ice. I am talking about coffee that is brewed cold, and brewed for such a long time that is it a concentrate. Then you mix it with some cold water, pour it over ice, and doctor it up however you like. It is pants-shittingly caffeinated, and it makes you feel like Scarface if you drink more than one (but go ahead and have two anyway. Live a little!!)
I am going to share with you my iced coffee recipe. The best part of it is, even though you have to take a little time to do it, once you are done you have concentrate in the fridge, so you can just pour and go in the morning instead of fucking with it. YEAH LET'S DO THIS, MOTHERBITCHES!!!!!!!!
ICED COFFEE (insert revving lawnmover sound here rrrrrrRRRRRRRRRRRR-R-R-R-R-R-R)
**DAY ONE**
Ingredients:
7oz. coffee beans (I used Kicking Horse, which is pretty good, but you can use whatever. You could even use preground coffee if you are a plebeian.)
40oz. cold water (I used the kind that is in the water cooler, you can use tap water or Brita water or whatever kind of potable water you're into.)
Hardware:
A big Tupperware or Gladware container with a lid or a bowl w/clingwrap. Here are my purple buckets.
-OR-
a french press (but you'll need to do a half batch or smaller so it will fit. I trust you can do the math to figure out the amounts that will fit in your press.)
1. Get your coffee and weigh it out.
2. Put it in your grinder
3. Grind it
4. Put it in your bucket
5. Add 40oz. of water
6. Mix it
7. Put a lid on it.
Once you've put the lid on, leave it on the counter for awhile. When you walk by during it's stay on the counter, give it a little jostle to get the water and grounds to slosh around together. If you are doing this without a lid, use a spoon or something so you don't spill and ruin your whole life (HI, I HAVE WHITE FORMICA COUNTERS, I KNOW ALL ABOUT COFFEE RUINING LIVES.)
If you have a french press, just mix it up and put some clingwrap on top (not the press thingy.) Stir it with a spoon here and there.
If you have a french press, just mix it up and put some clingwrap on top (not the press thingy.) Stir it with a spoon here and there.
I made mine in the afternoon, and left it on the counter until I went upstairs to put my kid to bed. So, like, 5 or 6 hours? Then put it in the refrigerator overnight.... I took mine out of the fridge at, like, 11 am, so it was 14 hours or something.
**DAY TWO, AFTER 12-24 HOURS IN THE FRIDGE**
Hardware:
Mesh sieve
Paper towels
Another bowl or bucket
Another bowl or bucket
- Take the damn lid off. Good morning, sludge!
- Put the sieve in another bucket/bowl
- SLOWLY pour the coffee sludge through the sieve. This is gonna get the bulk of the grounds out. See?
- Dump the grounds, rinse your sieve, put a paper towel in like meow. You could use a coffee filter for this, but for some reason the paper towel works better. Pour your coffee through the towel. Chuck the towel, rinse the sieve, put another paper towel in, and repeat. This should get all the silty stuff out. YES, FILTER THROUGH THE PAPER TOWELS TWICE. You can do just once if you are lazy, but they you will have crud in the bottom of your glass and stuck to your ice, and it's just not pretty. It won't kill you, but it also won't kill you to step your game up.
- Pour the filtered coffee into your container of choice. This is your concentrate!!
If you have a french press, just take it out and put the press thingy in it and press it, and pour it in your container. It's easy, but it's a little tiny batch. I broke my french press making this shit, so be warned. I don't think there is anything special about this recipe that will break your press, but it happened, so....
MAKE A DRINK!!
Ingredients:
Cream/Milk/Soy Bullshit, whatever gets your goat
Sugar/Flavored Syrup/Sugarfree Flavored Syrup
Ice
A straw
Ingredients:
Cream/Milk/Soy Bullshit, whatever gets your goat
Sugar/Flavored Syrup/Sugarfree Flavored Syrup
Ice
A straw
- Get your glass, fill with ice and 1/3-1/2 volume coffee concentrate.
- Add water, either 2/3 water if you do 1/3 coffee, or 1/2 if you do 1/2, duh.
- Add your fixins!! My personal favorite is 1oz. of half and half, 1oz. of sugarfree vanilla or hazelnut syrup, and a straw (of course.)
You can tweak the water-to-concentrate ratio to get it to taste how you like. ALSO!! Drink your first one slow so you can test how cracky it is. I don't want you to mix it too strong and drink it fast because it is so good, and then shit your pants from the caffeine. THE END!!
************************GLASSES************************
I've been getting a metric fuckton of emails from people asking me about my glasses. I got my glasses at a business called Nunya Business.
Ahhhhhhh hahaha. Seriously, though, my glasses are the one thing I am not balls out about linking to. See, I have a gigantic head, and it is sooooo hard for me to find glasses that fit in the first place, and combine that with the fact that I like more eccentric styles of eyewear, it is really hard for me to find stuff I like.
I am not gonna make it out like they are special and unique. They are mass-produced, so they are neither. The thing is, I will tell you what lipstick I am wearing, my nailpolish. I will tell you where I got my bag, or my shoes, or my dress. I will tell you about what hairdye I use, or where I get my hair cut. I have no problem sharing that stuff with y'all, because those are raw materials that y'all can use and integrate into your own look, right? But glasses... there is only one way to wear glasses. You put them on your face. I have such a bog-standard pudding-face, my glasses make it look more interesting. Also, I HAVE to wear them to see, it's not like if we have the same shoes and we only occasionally wear them at the same time. We'll both be wearing them all the time, and then we'd be twinkies and ugggghhhhh nobody likes being twinkies. If people get glasses like mine, I will be really sad and have to get new glasses. If you stumble across them on your own, you know, do your thing if you must. But I just can't be an online source for information that will bother me if people use, just like how I'm not gonna post Drew's phone number and then get mad when bitches call my man. Real talk.
This topic kind of feeds into an idea I have about this site-- a lot of beauty/makeup sites are big on the trendy/seasonal/fashion thing, and I want to make this about talking about techniques and different products you can use to manifest your weird mental picture of what you like. This isn't about all of us trying to look au courant, or making sure we all get orange nailpolish in orange nailpolish season. This is about how we want to look like librarians or cowgirls or aliens or metalheads or hipsters or lady presidents or Tura Satana or whatever the fuck, but we all get zits we want to cover up and we all have to wash our hair and we all stink. A paintbrush is a paintbrush, whether you're painting a fresco or the floorboards in the bathroom, dig? That's what this is about, finding a common ground where we can talk about what we can do to fulfill our weird ideas, as opposed to being like HERE IS A STEP BY STEP OF HOW TO LOOK LIKE **THIS**. LET'S ALL LOOK THE SAME.
