Washin' Hair + Keeping It Washed

I thought I would write about haircare today.  I don't mean to keep mentioning that I am writing stuff because I got requests for posts about certain topics, but sometimes that's why, and so I mention it haha.  I LIVE TO SERVE!  LET'S TALK ABOUT WASHING OUR HAIR!!

To start off, my hair is really super thick and pretty long (It's mid-boob length, and I can see it hanging behind me when I'm standing in front of the mirror if I have my arms up.)  My hair is also stick straight.  SOOOOO straight.  It won't perm, and I have to heat it up to a million degrees and let it cool on the rod if I want to heat set it.  I have a ton of layers, because if I don't texture the hell out of it, it has as much body and movement as a deck of playing cards.  Also, as far as I can tell, it is made of kevlar or something.  I can color it and bleach it and blow-dry it everyday, and it doesn't seem to make any difference in the condition of it.  Once, I bleached it 4 times in a day to get it to go from black to platinum white-blonde, and my hair was like YAWN.  My scalp was a little dry, but a couple rounds of conditioner and it was A-OK.  So, if you have fine hair or curly hair or delicate hair, my haircare knowledge might not be of much interest to you.  Sorry.

I try not to wash my hair super-often.  It is so heavy and straight, I can't really let it air-dry without looking bad.  I try to shoot for washing my hair every 3-4 days.  This is like performing a magic trick, though, because my hair gets oily and dirty pretty easily.  I'm gonna tell you how to pull it off!  Maybe these tips will help if you tend to be greasy.

When I wash my hair, I start by brushing the hell out of it before I wet it down.  This gives your scalp a little preliminary scrub, and also loosens the hairs that are about to fall out in the shower, so you won't have to use Drano as much if you have long hair.  The more of them you get to stick in the brush, the fewer you're going to have to dig out of your pipes.

Then I wet my business down and shampoo it.  I take my time shampooing, and try to scrub my scalp all over.  I make sure I get my bangs real clean, and just focus mainly on cleaning the hell out of my scalp area.  Then I rinse, and assume that the suds rinsing down my hair shaft is enough to clean the ends of my hair, which are never as greasy as the part near my head.  I use Terax Miele.  I like it pretty well because it smells wonderful, like honey.  It's not real drying.  It feels fancy, but it's not as expensive as fancy salon shampoo (I'm looking at you, Bumble + Bumble.  That shit is overpriced!!!!!!)  I am pretty sure Terax Miele is sulfate-free, if you fret over stuff like that.  I buy it by the jug, and haven't used a different kind of shampoo in a year or more, probably.  It's good stuff.

Once my hair is 100% rinsed, I wring it out and put conditioner in, and comb it through with a wide-toothed shower comb.*  Then I twist it up and clamp it with a hair claw I keep in the shower, so my long slimy hair doesn't get in the way when I am cleaning the rest of me and shaving my legs and stuff.  I let the conditioner sit in my hair until I am done washing up, then rinse it out right before I get out of the shower.  I use Terax Crema conditioner.  I just like Terax stuff pretty well.  I have issues with drugstore shampoo and conditioner building up and making my hair feel weird and waxy, but I've never had a problem with Terax stuff.  The Crema conditioner smells a little strange.  Not bad, but kinda like a cross between a soft, creamy, floral smell and Play-doh.  It only smells like that in the shower, though, once you're rinsed off the Fun Factory smell goes away.

*I am sure a regular comb would work, too, but the shower ones have a hook to hang them with, and you won't be all like, "Where is my regular old comb?  Oh, I left it in the shower," or, "I need to comb my wet, conditioner-y hair, but my comb is over there on the sink.  Now I have to drippy-walk over there and make a mess."  See?  I'm watching out for you.

I wring my hair out as much as I can, then wrap it in a towel for a little bit to get as much water out as I can before drying it.  Once I am ready to dry, I put some L'Oreal Vitamino Color leave-in conditioner on the ends of my hair, some spray-in volumizer, and spray water in my bangs so I can dry them straight down, since I tend to get cowlicks if I don't style my bangs when they are dripping.  

Once I get my hair 100% bone dry (I can't leave any of it even a little wet-ish, or my wash job won't look good as long), I spray a little dry shampoo on my roots.  I used to use Psssssst, but I actually love that Suave kind now (the smell kind of reminds me of the Exotic fragrance oil from the Body shop a little bit.)  I do that because having a little powder at my roots makes my hair stay clean longer.  I am not sure if it makes my hair not get greasy, or if it absorbs the grease as it starts happening and then I just brush it out or what, but it works pretty well.  Lastly,  I put a teeny little blob of Secret Weapon in my palm and rub my hands together, then run my fingers through my ends and gloss over the top and bang area with the little residual product on my hands.  DONE!

So, Day 1, my hair is all fresh and clean and fluffy.  Day 2, it's still pretty good, so I just brush it in the morning, spray more dry shampoo in it and tousle my hair around, then brush it again and it's alright.  Day 3, I will do the same with the brushing and dry shampoo, but I will tie my hair up because it starts pooping out on me.  Day 4, I will do the same thing with the brush/dry shampoo, only I will wear a thick headband so my bangs are off my face, and tie the rest of my hair up.  Day 5, I either wash my hair or call my psychiatrist to increase the dose on my anti-depressants.

Obviously, I will sometimes deviate from my hairdo routine, and style it differently or put in a little extra effort, but I am going to wait to go into that stuff until a later post, because I can't blow my load all at once, and also, some of the other things I do probably need more explanation/are MEGA GROUNDBREAKING!!  Yeah!

Lastly, but not leastly (what?)... I have a collection of hair hats.  "Hair hats" is probably not the scientific name, but that is what I call them.

The first flavor of hair hat is the SHOWER CAP.  These are important because, even though I only wash my hair every few days, I take a shower every day because I don't want to smell like B.O. or a tuna sandwich.  Even the littlest bit of wet with make my hair fart out, so I wear my shower cap every time I wash up (unless it's hair washing day.)  Important shower cap features are a lack of a frill around the face area (it is kind of hard to wash your face and rinse it all the way when the frill is up in your business), and a terry lining, so you have added protection from your hair getting wet.  I am very fond of this particular shower cap.  No frill, terry lining, and it is nice and big, so all your hair will fit in there if you have a lot of it.

The second flavor of hair hat is going to make a LOT of difference in how long your wash job lasts... it is the unattractive, unsexy SLEEPING CAP.  It doesn't really matter which kind you choose, because they are all the same, and they are all ugly as fuck.  If you have long hair, and let it just be free at night, it is going to rub all over your pillow and get snarls, and wrap around your neck and strangle you, and rub on your face and get moisturizer and face stuff all over it and make it get dirty faster.  Sure, you can tie your hair up, but if you have straight hair, you will end up with a little kink where the hair tie was, and your hair will also be super flat from tying it down and then rolling around on it all night, so you'll have to redo it anyway.  You can use one like this, or you can get one of those satin bandana hair wrap things, but with those, you are going to be flattening your hair down a lot more, and spending the night negotiating where the knot is, so it is not as comfy.  Plus, it will sometimes slip off.  So, get the fucking ugly grandma one, and get a few so you can launder them.  If your man hates it, tough tits.  Compromise by not wearing it while you are fucking, and just put it on before you lay down to go to sleep, and he can deal with it.  Does he want a pretty bitch?  Or a greasy bitch who has to wash her hair twice as often?  Thought so.